I'll get you back evil boss!

Psychoschizobitch escapes from her kidnappers, and takes revenge. Her trusted friend finds out why she was imprisoned the hard way.

Wow. Just, wow. I’m going to start with the few negative things I can force myself to say about Martyrs so I don’t end on the clichéd ‘well, this needed work, but YEAH AWESOME’. I’d rather just end on AWESOME.

Guess I gave the game away there. Never mind!

So, let’s talk about what sucked – starting with the dialogue. It wasn’t great; in fact, it was wearing, even annoying in places. Admittedly, I was watching a dub, so perhaps the nuances of the French language didn’t translate, but I suspect the ‘touching’ connection between the two girls was every bit as bland and expected in any language. Moreover, the actual torture scenes were unfairly boring. Minor character #12 gets a mask nailed into her head, yet our beloved heroine only gets a slapping? Fuck off, and give me something to sink my teeth into.

Whoa! That was more vitriolic than I intended. Perhaps I didn’t like Martyrs as much as I thought I did…

…nah, it was awesome, and what’s more, I know why:

 1. In the way that only horror flicks can, the plot forcibly wrenched itself into a new, more alarming shape. That kept me guessing.

2. The soundtrack was spooky!

3. The (albeit bland – grr!) torture led up to a visceral and profound climax that raised interesting questions.

I’ll focus on ‘3‘, and take great pleasure in doing so. Horror movies are an amazing platform to launch any sort of metaphysical idea, essentially because they, by definition, portray the very limits of human experience – in this sense the borders of terror, nausea and chaos. In the same way ‘romantic’ films (I use that abused word tentatively) give a ‘message’ on what love is – Bridget Jones’ Diary tells women to go for the nice guy, whilst Notting Hill makes a point on the endurance of love across social barriers – horror movies give us a ‘message’ on the nature of humans. Martyrs shows us that when we’re at our most wretched, and broken, we are capable of witnessing miraculous things.

On a less spiritual note, I recommend this horror film for watching with a partner. There are enough jumps to make it a good film for dates (you’ll be in each other’s arms in the first fifteen minutes if you’re anything like me), and the ending, as I said, is ‘deep’ enough to provoke discussion for conversation.

Have fun. ; )

HNNNNGHHHH - 4/10

AUUUGHHHHH - 8/10

EEEEEEEEEEK - 5/10

(HNNNNGHHHH = how sickened I was, AUUUGHHHHH = how much I jumped in fright, EEEEEEEEEEEK = how likely I was to wet the bed for days after.)